Sunday, March 11, 2007
First wife or not
This is a point I am still struggling with. Should there be one first wife around the house? Today, I think that would not be a good idea. It would break the symmetry and increase the fighting among the other women to try and take her place. On the other hand, if I would need one woman to be my advisor or my confidant, it would be impossible to devote this function to one of the women without promoting that person to be an implicit first wife. Sharing the confidant function among four is too difficult and would increase a mutual suspicion among the four wifes. But also in classic monogamic relationships the confidant you can discuss with about your marriage can not be the same person as the one you are married to. That is why I now beleive I would need a fifth person to be my confidant -- just like business people who have their external advisor(s). That person preferably is a woman, since only women can get deep into the understanding of other women's motives. Should this person be known around the house? Should this person also advise me on the recruitment of the four wifes? Can I be her best friend or even have sex with her? Many questions that are still open, but definitely need to be answered before I can even start with the implementation of my community.
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2 comments:
Interesting thought... It probably is a good idea to have a fifth person with whom you can share your deepest concerns about the life and challenges you would be in.
I see some important advantages. She would see things from an outsider's perspective, and thus from a different angle than any of you would see it (I find it dangerous to assume she would be more objective, as anyone sees things coloured by their own beliefs, morals and convictions). Also, it would give you an outlet when the tension in the house blinds your vision. However, imagine the responsability you are putting on this fifth woman... she can only be there to listen to you, but eventually if she advised you and her advise turned out to worsen things, she has just affected 5 people's emotional lives... How will you react towards her? "Dismiss" her and find another advisor? Lose your confidence in her decisions, and possibly lose the friendship alltogether? And how will the four women react (if they know where the advise came from)? They might resent you for letting your judgement depend on some 5th women, they may feel hurt in their pride because you do not share the same things with them. It may come across as "calculated" behavior on your behalf, as if you have a strategic plan and a strategic counsellor.
Perhaps your advisor should be some kind of coach/counsellor where all 5 of you can consult when necessary. This way there is less personal involvment/risk, and nobody feels left out. You can have coaching sessions with one of the 4, or each alone, or all together. It would definately feel better to the four women. They will also have the need to talk about these issues with someone who is not part of the family, but who will see things clearly from all sides and know the inside details of everything. On top, everyone can trust this woman to keep all conversations private, because keeping confidentiality is an important aspect of her profession.
For this same reason, I would not have sex with an advisor if I were you, as that may cause jealous feelings in the other 4 women, and you would not be able to defend yourself properly when one of the 4 blames you for secretly having some kind of a preference for the 5th. I think it is very crucial for the advisor to remain emotionally neutral.
Thats all for now ;-)
Sasha
Now that I read your comment and re-read my post, I think indeed an external consultant could come in handy -- on condition we can all share the same consultant, and have an option for group sessions to overcome difficult times. Probably a male consultant would be more error-proof, since none of the women will start doubting my a-sexual relationship with him.
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